It's NOT About The Nail!

I've sought support from my sweet husband countless times in our 31 year marriage - It usually goes like this...  I begin venting to him about a frustration I'm experiencing,  only to have him give me a solution.  How dare he try to fix it!! 

In that moment, I don't want a solution.  I want sympathy.  I want him to give me a hug.  I want him to agree with everything I'm sharing.  But in reality, he doesn't understand why I won't simply do what it takes to remedy the situation. The video 'It's Not About The Nail' perfectly depicts this dilemma. 

While the video certainly sends a strong message about how important it is for us to feel heard and understood, I'm choosing to address another perspective - those who absolutely refuse to remove the nail at all costs. 

People live with a “nail in their head” all the time, often to avoid the consequences or uncertainty surrounding taking it out.  Maybe you're in an unhealthy relationship, but stay because you're concerned about being lonely or fear the disruption a divorce would bring. 

Or maybe you have a team member that isn't contributing - you know it, but instead of having that difficult conversation, you complain to people who can't do anything about your frustration. 

It could be that you're feeling burned out, working too hard for too little.  You've looked at the numbers and you know that you could work less and earn more income by dropping PPO's but fear of the unknown has you paralyzed.  So instead of 'removing the nail' you continue to moan and groan about the pain.

When we refuse to remove the nail, we give up control.  When we give up control, we lose the freedom to grow and thrive. 

So how can we finally address the nail in our head?

1. No BCD - Blaming, Complaining and Defending why you choose to keep the status quo are all strategies to avoid change.  See, many of us would rather remain in our misery because we fear stepping out of the status quo.  The reality is that we are exactly where we choose to be.  When we blame others, we are giving up our control.  
2. Practice gratitude. Start your day verbalizing 5 things your grateful for - no matter how small.  Share with your spouse, your kids, or even yourself! Start every weekly team meeting with what's going well in the practice.  End every day with your team in a 'celebration huddle' - everyone on the team shares one thing that worked well that particular day. This is a great opportunity to recognize fellow team members.  
3. Do Something!  The urge to complain comes from dissatisfaction with something going on in life.  Complaints can be a signal that action is needed. So, the next time you feel like complaining, instead focus on what YOU can do to change your circumstances.  Even when it seems overwhelming, taking just one step toward solution will give you confidence and motivation to keep going. 

How can you help someone else remove the nail? 

1. Give the other a real chance to solve the problem themselves. Even if your solution is the 'right' one, the benefit of letting the other work it out on their own greatly increases their willingness to take the steps they need to take to solve it. It helps them build their confidence and increases the likelihood that they will do a better job with the next problem. It reduces their dependency on you. 
2. Listen and show empathy... for a little while. Rather than offering a solution, ask a question -  'I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.  What's your next step?'   Again, listen.  
3. Don't fear pushback - Sometimes we need to be pushed to pull the nail out, even if we get pushback.  By listening, you've earned the right to push a little.  'Tell me what's holding you back from moving forward'.   'Yes, it will be difficult. But I know you have it in you to make the changes that will improve your situation. I believe in you!'   'What's next?
4.  Offer Help -  Ask 'How can I support you through the decision you've made?'  
5. Hold them accountable -  'I know this is something you really want, even though it's intimidating. I'm going to check in with you next week to celebrate the progress you'll make between now and then!'